


Broken

by Nynaeve



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Comfort Sex, Episode Related, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-22
Updated: 2011-02-22
Packaged: 2017-10-15 21:00:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/164887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nynaeve/pseuds/Nynaeve
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Quarra, Chakotay tries to help Kathryn put herself back together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Broken

**Author's Note:**

> _KM has said in many interviews that she was adamantly against KJ having sex or a relationship. I think she was wrong. Perhaps it makes KJ a beautifully tragic character, and in some ways I love that part of her, but humans weren't meant to live that way and if I were imagining her without a male demographic that supposedly couldn't deal with her being both an authority figure and sexual, then I imagine she'd be with Chakotay. "Workforce" was gut wrenching and I don't suppose it's the type of thing you just bounce back from._

_‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open,  
And I don’t feel like I’m strong enough,  
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome,  
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away._

\- “Broken” Seether feat. Amy Lee

Kathryn showed up at Chakotay’s door just after oh-two-hundred the night after the Doctor first administered the treatment for her to regain her memories. Given what had transpired on Quarra, the former-Maquis was more than a little surprised to say the least. While B’Elanna’s recovery had been quick, trying to heal over a hundred people was a time-consuming task. Essential personnel were first, followed by senior staff, and so on down the list, but it was still going to take at least a week for everyone to be whole again.

Even so, she stood before him, her hair loose and her face with lighter make-up than she had worn before the incident. Her feet were bare and she had a sturdy tunic covering whatever her pyjamas were underneath. Not one to refuse her, he gave her entrance and she took measured steps into his quarters, her eyes unsure and he wondered if she was lost.

“What can I do for you?”  he asked, biting back the honorific because he knew by looking at her that she wasn’t ready.

“I couldn’t sleep,” she told him, moving towards his window that gave a lovely view of Quarra. “I was reading through my logs and it appears that I trust you very much.”

Chakotay stayed where he was, ignoring the habit that urged him to be near her. “That didn’t seem to help me much on the planet.” He’d intended for it to lighten the mood, but guilt crossed her visage. “I don’t blame you, Kathryn. You did what you thought was right. I should have known better than to press your sense of duty.”

“What if I wanted to stay?” Kathryn asked hesitantly.

“Do you want to?”

Biting her lip, she met his intense scrutiny and heat crept into her cheeks. Shaking her head she answered, “No, I remember enough to know that it isn’t home as badly as I wish it were.” Slowly, in deep contemplation, she made her way to his sofa and sank down on it. “You show up in a lot of my personal logs. Are we...were we...?”

Even with her memories blurred in the fog of her mind, Kathryn couldn’t bear to form the question.

“We’re very good friends,” Chakotay finished and he settled down next to her. Gingerly he took her hand, “I’m here to help you.”

Unable to tear herself away from him, she nodded, and when a few tears slid down her cheeks, he brushed them away. His tenderness and the fact that she had not yet regained enough of herself to know she ought to leave culminated in an onslaught of sobbing that Chakotay had only seen once. They had been under a table and a storm had destroyed everything she’d worked for. It was the sound of hope dying.

By the time she’d let it all out, she was exhausted, so he let her sleep where she was while he went to his bed. When he woke, she was gone which he had expected. Either way he had a ship to run and hopefully everything would soon start to feel normal again.

o-o-o-o-o-o

She didn’t come to him the next night, but on the third night she appeared much like she had the first time. This time the confusion was replaced with weariness as the burdens of which she’d been unaware caught up with her. Chakotay knew she’d spent the previous night on Quarra and he was certain it was in the arms of Jaffen. The tendrils of protocol had begun to take root and no doubt she wanted one, final memory before she left him behind forever.

They were seated again and she held in her hands a cup of coffee. It was proof enough to Chakotay that Kathryn was finding herself. Whether she liked what she found, he couldn’t discern.

“He reminds me of Mark,” she bared before taking a sip of the hot liquid. “I think...I think that’s what drew me to him. He’s built like him, talks like him; hell he even has the same annoying habit of questioning every damn word that comes out of my mouth if we disagree on something.”

“Makes sense that you would be attracted to him,” Chakotay agreed, his expression sober.

“I think he wants me to invite him to come with me,” she whispered softly as she averted her gaze. There was embarrassment in her demeanor. “Part of me wants to ask him.”

Chakotay nodded deliberately, trying to fight the desire to encourage the side of her that respected Starfleet regulations above everything else. He was her friend and as deeply as it had cut to see how happy she had been with Jaffen, he also wanted her to _have_ that happiness.

“He’s a skilled engineer and we have no way of replacing crew...” he offered and when her eyes lit up he held his breath and he felt ashamed at his relief when her eyes dimmed only nano-seconds later.

“It’s tempting considering that I no longer have anyone waiting for me,” she admitted, flushing. She sighed. “He doesn’t belong here anymore than I belong there.”

“I’m sorry Kathryn.”

She looked up at him suddenly, clenching her jaw as she attempted to maintain her composure. “Me too.”

Nothing further was said on the matter and when she left minutes later, Chakotay realized only then that he didn’t really know why she was sorry.

o-o-o-o-o-o

It was another two weeks before Kathryn ended up at his door again. On duty she laughed and teased, but he saw the flicker of doubt and the barest hint of sorrow when she thought no one noticed. She didn’t ask him to dinner, she kept their meetings short, and Chakotay suspected that she was rebuilding an imaginary wall brick by brick. With her presence at his threshold, he doubted his suspicions.

“Can I come in?”

He allowed her admittance and she gratefully accepted.

“It was too quiet in my quarters, I couldn’t sleep,” she offered by way of excuse and he didn’t challenge her. “There’s no one else to talk to. No one else I want to talk to.”

“You know that means a lot to me,” he commented giving her a half-smile. “I’m here for you, whatever you need.”

Kathryn stared at him, hard, with a heavy consideration. Chakotay was caught off guard when she pressed her lips to his. His strong hands grasped her hips and drew her tightly to him. He didn’t know what she was thinking, but he wasn’t a fool and he wasn’t going to stop her. There was a voice in the back of his head that called him pathetic and perhaps he was; there was no way in hell he was going to stop now - not when she let out a delicious, throaty moan that made him want to push the skirt of her dress up and pin her to the bulkhead that was tantalizingly too far.

He could taste desperation, need, lust, want, loneliness, and frustration in every dart of his tongue. Kathryn molded her form to his and he let out a curse as she rotated her hips. Somehow she divested his pants on their way to his bed where she pushed him to a seated position and straddled him (it was then he noticed that she’d gone sans panties).

They made love in the starlight. Gasps, panting, whispered pleas for ‘more’, ‘harder’, and ‘right there.’ Kathryn had always been one to take control of her fate and she behaved the same as she made love to her first officer. When she came it was a strangled cry and she trembled as she crawled from his lap onto the iridescent Starfleet issued covers. He could see bruises forming on her fair skin where the pads of his fingers had held her firmly in place. His back stung as a bead of sweat trailed down and he realized she had drawn blood in her conquest.

Her chest was rapidly rising and falling and she was on her back, her dress hiked up and her hair disheveled. She didn’t know what to do next.

“Sleep,” he said, though it seemed more like an order than a suggestion.

Chakotay pulled her up towards the pillows and held her close as they dozed off. When he woke at the sound of his alarm he found her sitting on the edge of his bed with a towel wrapped around her.

“Morning,” he greeted, pushing himself up.

She put a hand on his leg. “I need you to know that I’m not running away. The problem is that I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Okay.” He wasn’t sure what else to say. He’d half expected to find a PADD on his nightstand with the relevant Starfleet regulations highlighted. She dressed in front of him, although he faced away from her, and then left him alone without even so much as a promise to see him later.

o-o-o-o-o-o

Three more times Kathryn came to Chakotay, each time seducing him without words. She always stayed the night and she always refused his offer for breakfast in the morning. He wondered if leaving Jaffen had irrevocably broken something inside her because it was unlike her to be so nonverbal. She arrived and left with what appeared to be no concern as to who might see her and while she’d been the modicum of professionalism on duty, she remained a hermit, with her single exception being his bedroom.

He was lying in bed when he heard the sound of an override code. Bare feet padded across the deck to his bed and he rolled over to see her kneeling at his side, her arms folded under her chin, her eyes locked onto him.

“I can’t do this anymore,” she explained, her voice husky.

“Want to be more specific?” he responded, laying his head down near to hers.

A tear slipped down her cheek. “Sleeping with you is wrong. I can’t pretend...” Kathryn choked back a sob and her fingers gripped the blanket tightly.

"You’re a woman, Kathryn. You can’t deny or wish that away. Did you think it was never going to catch up with you?”

A weak grimace crossed her face. “It was easier before Jaffen.”

Chakotay quietly regarded her before speaking again. He’d spent years learning her expressions and he’d seen every and all manner of them. Her vulnerability was refreshing and he hated that it had taken a broken heart to bring that back to their relationship.

“You used to talk to me. Before.”

She closed her eyes. “I miss that.”

“It doesn’t have to be an either or. I can be your lover and confidante,” he pointed out as though it were obvious. “It’d honor me to be both.”

“Sex isn’t going to fix what’s wrong with me, Chakotay,” she retorted. “I’d think that would be painfully obvious given my behavior over the last month.”

“Why are you so scared?” he accused, surprised by the ire in his tone, and Kathryn winced in response. She rose up and perched herself on the edge of his bed. He sat up to meet her eyes as she formed her answer.

“You’re my voice of reason. We both know how far I can go and there have been so many times on this journey that I’ve tested that boundary and I don’t know how else I would have made it back if you hadn’t dragged me from the edge. You’re my first officer, my friend, and we’re in a place that’s rife with danger. If I lost you...” she swallowed. “If I lost you, I’d lose a piece of me, but I’d make it. If I let myself truly love you...if I take you to my bed and if I share with you the secrets I hold onto...if I do _that_...and you die, I know I’ll go with you and the promises I’ve made to this crew will go unfulfilled. That’s not who I want to be.”

“Sounds like you’ve already decided how this goes.”

She shook her head. “I’ve already played this game. Remember the Void? Remember the incident with the _Equinox_ crew? Each time you were the stopgap. What if we’d been lovers then? From the office to the bedroom. A friendship is easier to repair,” she protested.

“Okay. I still don’t know what you want from me. You have solid justification for keeping me at arms length,” he conceded matter-of-factly.

The starlight hid her face as she turned away from him. “Yet I’m here aren’t I? I can’t seem to talk myself into leaving.”

“Then maybe you should stay. I admit I’m biased because I like being your lover, but we’ve been out here for seven years and maybe we’ll get home tomorrow...but chances are it’ll be another thirty years. Wasn’t it Shakespeare who said it was better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?”

“Clichés? I never thought of you as the type.”

He shrugged. “If it works...”

Kathryn swung her legs onto the bed and moved to lie next to him. Once she was nestled against his broad chest he curled an arm around her.

“I still don’t know,” she confessed. 

“I’m all right with that, I only have one condition, Kathryn,” he breathed into her ear as she started to relax. “Just say you’ll stay for breakfast.”

And she did.

 

The End.

 

 


End file.
